I thought I was living a life of non attachment and spiritual practice (experiment), trying to allow other people to walk their own paths, trying to respect their time, space, and experience. It seems that part of what I have done is alienate people, contribute to alienation between people and isolate myself. I do not consciously know every aspect of my motives in this facet of life. I admit that my motives are not as selfless or virtuous as they might appear on the surface. Upon examination, I notice fear, shame, laziness, procrastination, and vice and also love, passion, energy, and desire for the divine. A recurring and consistent motive that I have deliberately favored is the desire to explore gross and subtle aspects of consciousness and the question “who am I” without the judgement and bondage that seem to be unavoidable and amplified when interacting with others. The ultimate irony is that a life of solitude and isolation comes with its own type of bondage and judgement. As I currently see it, there are many motives, hidden and obvious, positive and negative, and there are always unintended consequences. Every decision, action and mode of existence has its own bondage, innumerable results and untraceable causes. At this point, I realize that it is impossible to achieve pure and total perfection in any aspect of life, and the personal does not exist at the level of absolute.
If I truly knew that all is one and interconnected, profit and loss would lose much, if not all of their meaning and power, as would personal desire and fear. The anger that explodes and destroys my sanity and peace shows that I still struggle to overcome my ignorance and live this. The desire for a final state of personal security, pleasure, resolution, and perfection still motivates my actions.
<<((It is impossible to live that way of life perfectly, as everyone’s mere presence affects everyone else))>>
I understand that eventually I will end up completely alone, without people or systems to help me, unable to function or clean up the big mess. I do not know when this will happen, nor the characteristics and duration of that experience (and actually it already goes on). Knowing my natural and habitual tendency, I can only say that I will put forth effort to remain as functional (and independent) as possible, exploring the question “who am I”, attempting the Self beyond body, mind and “me”.
I accept that even after all my years, effort, and exploration, I have difficulty with aspects of relationships like intimacy, being vulnerable, sharing, and boundaries, not to mention just keeping up with commitments that I have made and enduring the mental-emotional torture that my mind puts me through. Things are often not how they appear on the surface, especially due to my habit of sharing what I think will please people or what I think they can accept.
And honestly, I say I want Truth, but I am aware of living in a comfortable bubble of delusion, partly a false sense of self, partly a misinterpretation of the world, how it is manifested and dissolved, and the actual sacrifices that it requires (and what truth really is)
the wisdom– do not expect that something from the world will complete you and truly satisfy you. It will never happen. Effort is essential and repetition unavoidable. Worldly experience and knowledge can never satisfy the desire for the divine. The anger and emotional pain show the delusion and that you really do have expectations and attachments.
When you realize that you are one with everything, then you are really alone, without desire for someone or something to complete you.
Note to self: the personal IS the lie. As are the beginning and the end of me and you.
Who lives a life free of the false self?
The ultimate challenge is to remember that everything is practice (the path is the goal), even the mundane things I don’t like, of which some provide more challenge, as they stir the anger or appear to cause sadness or make me hyper aware of eternity, bondage, and the true nature of achievement. Birth, death, sickness, health are all one. The challenge is to go through life without attachment (to both pleasure and pain) and without expecting the world or some future (or past or present) experience to complete you. The body and mind will surely experience pain and pleasure, the only thing to do is to allow them to experience both and realize that the true “I am” is beyond.
As I know, I am only truly renounced when I completely give up all ideas of gaining a final state of pleasure (or anything) from any person, experience, or thing whatsoever. Until I truly renounce, I am repeating the same fundamental delusion.
My mind is structured to never give me permission, because there is always an obligation to take care of beforehand, and just when one thing is done another comes up.
I declare bankruptcy of experience, things and relationships. They are what they are — some pleasant, some not, some wise some foolish, some fruitful, some pointless, some voluntary, some involuntary, some true, some false.
the only real relaxation is a break from the delusion of the mind. The illusion that fulfilling or not fulfilling desires is the answer.
Weary, as I realize that happiness doesn’t come from achievement, any event, relationship, action, inaction, wisdom, love, knowledge, or thing, and that I still must function, work, pay bills, socialize, make decisions, sow and reap, and the cycle repeats for infinity.
the purpose of the senses is not pleasure nor pain, good or evil, they just are.
Often your psychological suffering comes from comparing yourself to others and the images they project.