Anger Sadness Anger Sadness
Cursing illusion, Mourning illusion
Anger and sadness as I become and stay aware of the lies that I tell myself, the lies that I tell other people, and the lies that they tell me.
The essential and inevitable lies that we have all agreed upon for a smoother functioning of society and the mechanism that feeds and clothes and protects us.
The lies that serve us
The lies that betray us
The lies that erode our value and make us unsure of our own value and our value to each other
The vows and promises that we make to each other and ourselves that we casually break on an ever-increasing basis.
Angry at the bondage and karma that I have created and continue to create
Angry at myself for my lack of self-discipline and courage
Striving for perfect self-discipline and courage while realizing the complete and utter futility of it.
Realizing the unsatisfying and impermanent nature of every single worldly and heavenly experience, achievement, thing, time, and place, no matter how noble or beautiful or exalted or mundane.
Surrendering to the fact that I may spend eternity in this cycle of anger and sadness, interrupted by occasional pleasure or joy or perhaps a momentary experience of peace and quiet.
I am not the body, not the mind, not even the witness;
Not consciousness, not unconsciousness, not memory, not thoughts;
yet somewhere within and beyond and containing it all,
I am.
My personal desires burn in this fire of anger and sadness that I must experience,
ultimately alone,
to which no one else, no matter how wise or knowledgeable or noble or compassionate can be a party.
And all I keep coming back to is the false way in which the mind perceives the world and itself,
and perhaps that is the final state, or perhaps just the foundation for the final state, or perhaps nothing at all.
I may or may not maintain this awareness in this lifetime and the countless other lifetimes that occur in the past, present and future to purge the karma that continues to happen now and forever.
Sometimes I “do the right thing” with anger and hate in my heart and I pretend that they are not there, hoping that one day the pretense will become Truth and knowing that to unleash them and fully express them could consume and destroy everyone and everything around me.
Often I move through life with an unavoidable, inevitable, and necessary sadness that I hide from others in the knowledge that most people have little desire to hear the truth that it has to tell and that to overindulge in it could cause an unhealthy personal or general paralysis.
Sometimes I rest precariously perched on the razor’s edge between anger and sadness, and I cry sweet and spontaneous tears as I touch the desire that lives deep in a delicate and tender place in the heart. The desire cannot be named and cannot be fulfilled but is associated with the eternal process of expressing and experiencing a love that is within and beyond and containing every single positive and negative, healthy and unhealthy, sacred and profane desire and fear and emotion — beyond even the noblest desire for Truth and simplicity, beyond the desire for freedom from bondage, beyond the person known as “me”.
Truly,
Anger happens and I experience and express it just like anyone else
Sadness happens and I experience and express it just like anyone else
Ignorance and fear and happiness and delusion
insanity and greed and selfishness and sharing
laziness and sickness and passion and craving
forever, eternally, unavoidably, just like anyone else.