Anger
Because I am not able to “stay in OM”
(contentment, Ahimsa, Brahmacharya,
Tapas, simplicity, acceptance, compassion, surrender)
I deceive myself
by seeing the selfishness and unhappiness and ignorance
in other people
and convince myself
that they are the cause of my unhappiness,
feelings of anger, discontentment,
and the urge to change the circumstances and duties that I have claimed as my own,
either by my own choice or that of others.
There is no escape from it,
and Tom seems only to be able to meet the pain and discomfort
with any semblance of equanimity for a relatively short time.
I have created the world that I mistakenly take to be real,
where I feel like I am caught in a never ending clash between conflicting desires and fears,
the desire to perform actions to help the world verses the urge to simply practice more, go within, and just be.
I feel compassion to those around me (quite often, but to be honest, not consistently),
and I am often in touch with a strong desire to perform a “true” sacrifice
and am often moved to action,
but disappointed when I realize that often what I am doing is helping people to avoid Truth and avoiding Truth myself.
These are the things that I must say to myself.
I spend much time and effort running away from discomfort and chasing pleasure (even in my so-called yoga practice).
I don’t really want to sacrifice for another person,
and many of the gifts that I give are not truly gifts.
I don’t want to look at what I am doing and take responsibility for it.
I cannot avoid the pain and discomfort forever.
No one else can earn my inner peace and joy for me.
I have created a false world
where I shield myself from the pain of life
by exploiting other people, beings, and things
to do what I myself refuse to do –
work for its own sake,
not for any particular result,
but only because it is right to do so
I have lost sight of true and sattvic sacrifice
and have forgotten how to discern what is right to do
versus what is pleasant.
I have forgotten that true freedom lies in the ability to do what is right rather than what is pleasant.
I have forgotten how to perform actions without desire for reward.
I perform few actions without straining effort,
anger, and desire for personal reward.
I allow myself to be lied to by the people called leaders
because I want so badly to believe
that I can avoid the truth forever.
I deceive myself
by claiming ownership of things
and thinking that I am responsible only for the care of certain things
but not others
and that I have done anything that entitles me
to any particular result or reward.
I turn to drugs and various types of experiences
(food, sleep, sex, entertainment etc)
to calm the anger that I feel
and avoid the deep sadness
associated with developing clear vision.
I want other people to sacrifice and do the work for me,
to clean up my mess,
rather than take responsibility for it.
I live my life most of the time saying,
Tomorrow, I will face the pain
Tomorrow, I will experience hunger and desire
rather than alleviating it so quickly
Tomorrow, I will maintain discipline at night
and avoid overindulging in food
Tomorrow, I will stop running away from the mess I have created
Tomorrow, I will pay my bills, pay off my debts,
give money to charity, feed another person
Tomorrow, I will spend the night in a cave
Tomorrow, I will manifest the fruits of the sadhana
Tomorrow, I will express love and happiness
Tomorrow, I will live simply, within my means
Tomorrow, I will stop abusing the Earth, the body,
and stop being such a burden to Her
by expecting so much from Her
Tomorrow, I will finally simply not be angry
Tomorrow, I will answer “how are you doing today” truthfully
by bursting into tears
Tomorrow, I will stop lying to people
by telling them that I am happy to see them,
when the truth is that most interactions with people
involve some sort of pain –
physical, emotional, or psychological.
Tomorrow, I will stand naked and exposed,
enduring whatever circumstances exist.
One day I will truly simplify
and relinquish the duties
and stop worshiping all of the strange gods that I have created–
the computer,
the god of merit,
the god of duty and requirement,
the god of business and commerce,
so that I can fully concentrate on “OM”.
One day I will live as “T” for an entire day,
and play, and practice, and experiment
with and in Nature and Truth.
I would rather show what is true,
the raw, the unrefined,
the unpracticed, spontaneous,
rather than the pretty, pleasant, false;
just what IS,
even if it embarrassing and painful.
I am the biggest problem to myself and others
when I perpetuate the illusion
When I do not help myself and others
find healthy ways to experience the discomfort,
pain, anger,
rajas, tamas, sattva.