Prayers, Confessions, and Apologies
Please let us stop,
even if only for a moment,
Let us not distract each other from what is truly important
By telling each other stories
Engaging in useless action motivated by desire and fear
And talking of the false ways in which we see ourselves and the world we
think we live in
Let us stop calling each other and ourselves names
pleasant, unpleasant, and neutral
Let us stop hiding the desire and fear that we experience in each other’s presence
Let us help each other move beyond love based mostly on desire and attraction, fear and bondage
Feeling both desire and fear at the same time and letting the clash between the two cause anger and confusion and chaos.
To the people I have desired:
I am sorry that I have let desire and the beauty that I perceive and experience around you get in the way of seeing the truth of who we really are.
I can’t honestly say that if I found my body naked with yours that I wouldn’t act on the urge to touch you and have experiences with you that are perhaps not appropriate for the relationship that we have established.
For I am no different than the many people that you have run away from, allowing myself to be blinded by desires and fears that I have claimed as my own and distracted from truth by sensory experiences real, imagined, remembered or anticipated.
Nor am I any different than you, as I have also run away from people that appear to cause me discomfort for whatever reason real, imagined, remembered, or anticipated.
I have lied to you and to myself by pretending that I love you (and even believing it) when in reality, I cannot love you because I am blinded by some anticipated experience of pleasure or pain, and because of this, I cannot see clearly who you truly are nor who I truly am, and that we are not really separate.
To the people I have feared:
I am sorry that I have let fear and the pain that I perceive and experience around you get in the way of seeing the truth of who we really are.
I can’t honestly say that if I found myself near you that I wouldn’t act on the urge to cover myself up, protect myself, or pretend to be something that I am not, or try to avoid you or try to alleviate your pain or give you something so that you will go away and leave me in peace.
For I am no different than the many people that you have run after,
avoiding you or enduring you and telling you lies
because I am afraid of your reaction to the truth
or because I am looking for something from you,
allowing my fear and discomfort to prevent me from just being with you
and sharing with you the truth that we are both complete here and now
and there is actually nothing that we can give or do for each other that will help us be truly and lastingly happy
and that there is really no way in the realm of consciousness to avoid the pain.
Right now,
I am done pretending that life is not pain;
done hiding the fact that even pleasure is pain
done putting a pretty face on it
done hiding that I spend a lot of time playing with the body in ways
considered profane and inappropriate by many
done pretending that I don’t put forth straining effort and act on anger
done pretending that I am interested in the stories that people are so eager to share with me
done pretending that I enjoy working
done pretending that the prevailing way of life brings true happiness
done pretending that I am any different than the people that the voice of judgment calls thief, terrorist, liar, beggar, celebrity, saint, or sinner.
Right now,
I would rather not experience the type of happiness that we look for,
which is only an energetic experience or emotion
that comes along and lasts either for a long or short time,
offering some temporary relief from the pain of life.
Rather, I prefer to share
the type of happiness that is always present,
within and beyond and containing
the profound and inevitable
sadness, fear, unsatisfied desire,
separation, chaos, anger,
ignorance, failure, sickness,
pain, and death,
as well as
joy, love, fullness, unity,
order, peace, illumination,
success, health, pleasure, and life.
the type of happiness that am I aware of
when I fully accept that being at ease,
dispassionate, attentive, and compassionate
is a never ending duty and process
of learning and change,
success and failure,
birth and death,
war and peace,
ignorance and illumination,
growth and decay,
pleasure and pain,
joy and sorrow.
the type of happiness that I am aware of
when I bend over and let life fuck me up the ass
until I shit all over the place.
the type of happiness that I am aware of
when I constantly remember
that neither the world nor the body truly exists
and that all change and effort is futile;
when I stop deluding and deceiving myself
that any particular thing,
food, sex, sleep, safety,
money, fame,
or any heavenly or earthly,
gross or subtle experience
will make me truly happy;
when I accept whatever comes
without consulting the computer
or my bank account,
or whatever plans or commitments I have made;
when I accept Kali when she comes, in all her terrifying glory.
I know nothing
I have nothing
I am nothing
in particular
yet I am.