Here it is again.
Strong anger
hatred of everything, everyone, including myself
Experiencing and knowing the unsatisfying nature of the world and its bondage, pleasure, pain and the body mind (the false sense of self).
Resentment, disappointment, wanting to die if it would make the hatred stop. Searching desperately for a cause, blaming myself and others
I am not really as independent nor free of petty bullshit, opinions, preferences and expectations as I thought, and thus, my mind stirs itself up to the point of insanity.
Why don’t we just leave each other alone?
Why don’t I just leave the world alone?
why do I repeatedly fail at keeping vows of self discipline like non violence, contentment, courage, brahmacharya, and especially control of the mind and the senses?
I don’t want to do it again, and yet I know that is not possible.
I don’t see a way out of it. There’s nothing that I can do which will really help, I’ve made and maintain a trap of desire and fear called “me”. It has progressed beyond where effort or experiences of pleasure or pain really help. The world, my body, mind, personality is a knot that blocks me, disturbs me, traps me and binds me to results, and I am out of ways to try to untie it. The effort doesn’t yield the liberation that I am searching for, and non effort is not an easy or viable option, as it goes against my (egoic) up bringing, the systems in which I participate, and the nature of my mind. I accept that I have let it get to this point. It’s a pattern that can no longer be changed in my habitual ways of straining effort or clever ideas. I violate and let boundaries and my self discipline get violated over and over and over. I no longer have the desire to take care of a household and actually I don’t even want to do it with him or with anyone else and yet I am seemingly driven to do so. The experience of taking care of things is different as I fully understand that neither maintenance, nor creation, nor destruction yield what I am really looking for. The body mind personality is of the world and so it shall remain; who I truly am remains unaffected, regardless of emotions and experiences of the mind body and inward or outward appearances to myself or others. I don’t have the answer, as the remedy for the personal is not found through person.
I exploit and let myself get exploited, and my ego fools me into believing that I am strong enough to handle it or somehow special and exempt from it.
The sacrifice of my peace and practice time — I let it happen over and over and over. On one hand I want to just be or explore the more subtle realms, but on the other, there’s the desire for manifesting or maintaining various things material and so-called spiritual and of course there’s the shame surrounding what I consider to be practice and the guilt at spending time in it. Oh, and let’s not forget the danger of falling into the darkness of the subtle realms. The truth is that what I call practice involves a lot of body centered habits and actions. It does not seem to progress to “real” meditation like I read about in the yoga sutras, and I experience the negative consequences of not being fully successful in achieving perfection in the rules of conduct and self discipline called yamas and niyamas. I have let my personal circumstance of time and place affect how I live them. I have used my limited knowledge of the scriptures and the concept of a middle path for my own convenience. I don’t know if this is really the case or whether this is just another trick of my ego and the mind. Again and again I obsess – who am I?
Round and round I go (caught in the trap of desire and fear)
Obviously, it is challenging to remember that every action is actually selfless service (karma yoga) when my mind,and the systems and world to which I have devoted so much time and energy say otherwise. I admit the likelihood that the rage indicates my ignorance, delusion, and how I fail at this aspect of life.
I see how easily I could express that anger with violence, erroneously thinking that killing or causing pain to myself or others will solve my issue in any lasting way.
and what really gets me is that I can’t even banish the anger by realizing that the things I despise in others are the things that I can’t accept about myself. I see my laziness, procrastination, how much of a burden I cause, how much of a mess I make repeatedly, repeating the same mistakes, how there isn’t real progress toward perfect paradise in manifestation, how I live in a bubble of delusion, how I’m not really free of fear, ignorance, egoism, how I am not free of pain, conditional happiness, and being stuck in habits, how my mind is really not as peaceful, content, non judgemental, happy, confident, or non violent as the mask that I wear. I still fight the laziness, procrastination, and over-indulgence in myself because I see the necessity of fighting them in order to maintain the current way of life which I thought was an attempt at expressing love. At the same time I see that I often experience that same life as a prison of comfort, familiarity and false security and that I am very often a slave to my mind and the systems in which it participates. I admit the possibility that the anger may simply be necessary energy or willpower that gets entangled in or perverted by delusional selfish motives.
the desire to manifest my mission statement perfectly is a difficult one for me to let go of, as is the desire to perform duties, and explore the true, the false, consciousness, and the question who am I. As hard as I have tried to avoid it, I can’t help but create bondage and burden, nor am I exempt from the burden and bondage that we all collectively create and bear.
obviously, I have difficulty with bhakti, love, and joy, faith and trust. I repeatedly get overwhelmed by sadness and anger (and delusion), and resort to endurance and awareness that encompass them.
I may be fooled by my mind and illusion for eternity; the nature of the ego-mind (as I experience it) is neither peaceful nor true.
Who am I