Category: Uncategorized

I do indulge in rajas, stress, and strain, even in my yoga practice.  I don’t think I will ever get beyond the need to test my limits, push boundries, and feel like I am striving, which sometimes leads to anger and pain.

I do indulge in tamas, regularly, when I indulge in entertainment (including TV, movies and porn) to escape the pain and boredom of day to day life, when I find comfort in eating, when I eat for emotional reasons, when I relax and let the urges express in ways that are perhaps less than healthy.

I fantasize and think about things other than what my body is doing, even when I practice yoga, sometimes especially when i practice yoga…

I do daydream and have visions of things to do or create, sometimes I pursue manifesting them, but often lately, I do not, as I see the futility of it all and opt instead to perform maintenance duties or sometimes just do nothing.

I feel like the person that most people probably think that I am (the person that I let them see, the happy/nice/peaceful one) is often a fraud.  Will the pain that I hide ever subside?  Probably not in the realm of the material world.  I am thankful for whatever access I have to the relief of pretense and the times when I get a break from karma and the things that bind me.  I am also thankful for the times when I am the happy/peaceful/nice one, even if it only lasts for a short time and requires an insane amount of practice and preparation.

I am thankful for whatever ability I have to bear pain and not inflict it on others.  I am thankful for being able to provide things to people around me which allow them to experience pleasure and happiness, even when it causes me discomfort.

I am still fascinated with bodies and am still attracted to masculine bodies and beauty and I am sometimes hypnotized by their presence and in some way I wish being around these things would make me more masculine and physically beautiful.  (I desire to be that.)

I do get angry at my body and desire to be more masculine, leaner, or sexier

I sometimes miss the way I used to get erections very easily. (yet I do see the freedom associated with not being distracted by an overly strong sexual urge)

I sometimes miss the firmness of my body yet I do sometimes find delight in a less rigid more flexible form.

I admire artists and actors for their courage in sharing things with others that I am usually unable to share in front of a  group of people — expression of emotion, movement (scripted or unscripted).

I admire the ability to be at the center of a lot of karma and handle the pressure with grace.

Sometimes I am moved to tears when I see or experience or gain knowledge of a being or action or creation of gross and/or subtle beauty.  I sometimes experience these things in ways that cause me to feel humble, somewhat unworthy, desirous of becoming it or achieving it,  and blessed to have been able to experience it.  To be completely honest, sometimes I can find inspiration and allow myself to be motivated, but sometimes it causes me to feel discouraged as I feel that some of these things are beyond my capability and I see the futility of striving to achieve yet another material or so-called spiritual reward that is ultimately unsatisfying and useless in the pursuit of Truth.

I spend quite a bit of time on my own experimenting with body and breath and performing hatha yoga practices.  I often experience gross and subtle pleasure in these things, and my daily practice feels like the most important thing that I do.  Some of my practice is what you might call traditional, some of it is experimental and unconventional.  I am most thankful for having time, space and resources with which to practice and for living around people who respect each other and the practices and duties that they perform.  I am thankful for whatever access I have to forgiveness when I disrespect or for when I feel disrespected.

 

To be honest,
I keep coming back to it,
no matter how lost I seem to get in the web of action, duty and commitments that I have made for myself.
What I truly desire
is not more experience,
not more things,
not more accomplishments,
but rather OM,
even as I do things that cause more experience, things, and results,
even as the mind experiences restlessness which sometimes obscures this most basic desire at the root of all others.

I am thankful and not thankful for the things that have come my way;
I am aware that participating on the material plane is unavoidable,
yet I am so very aware of the price that comes
with being involved in materialism, sacrifice/reward, goal-oriented life that seems to pervade the majority of human experience at the moment.

My heart is weary when I see the never ending cycle,
action leads to more action,
effort leads to more effort,
what is built up and acquired must be maintained and protected against decay and loss.

Of course I experience anger —
when I am tired of the lies
the lie that things, experience, action and/or knowledge will bring me to Truth;
tired of the way of life that requires that I spend much time and effort in accounting and record keeping in order to prove that I am worthy of food and shelter and other things and experiences, participating in a never-ending quest to find the cause of the burden that in reality we are all responsible for;
the lies at the root of it all that I can’t seem to get beyond- –
I am Thomas Kirkbride Collier
I was born on July 31, 1967,
I perform good actions and reap the reward,
I perform bad actions and endure the suffering,
I will die at some point as yet to be revealed.

When will I realize and live the truth completely?
I am not a person born into and living in the world
In truth, I am not a yogi, hair colorist, husband, son, man, or even human nor are the people around me what they appear to be or think they are.
The manifest is not good or bad;
actions are not good or bad;
results are not good or bad;
the lies are not good or bad;
evil is not good or bad.
It is all me and is exactly how it needs to be;
not good or bad, regardless of what my mind or anyone’s mind says or experiences.

Of course I feel disappointed and angry at myself,
as I am unable to stop doing the things that seem to prevent me from experiencing what I truly desire.

Of course I feel unworthy,
as I sometimes experience a feeling of love that no action or words will ever adequately express
as I feel intimately the tremendous sacrifices that other beings have and will make then and now and forever
as I am overcome by the beauty of love, wisdom, and courage that others seem to embody and share and express so well.

Of course I am disappointed by the manifest,
for it cannot give what I truly seek.
And this is exactly how it needs to be.

Strong Storms

Experiences of deep sadness and intense anger continue
and cause me to question my sanity and maturity

I search for the cause
Is it the actions that I perform?
Is it some action that I fail to perform?
Is the the habit patterns that I indulge?
my job?
my environment?
the people that I associate with?
the way of life that I have chosen?
the food I eat?
the things that I watch or read?
Is it the lack of a drug that I have yet to find?
Is it some defect of personality that I have acquired or inherited?

Dark thoughts and feelings

I want to avoid them and make them go away

I look for someone or something to blame in hopes that if I can avoid or alleviate those things or people I will be free of the thoughts and feelings

But I keep on coming back to my experience that resisting these thoughts and feelings only seems to bring them back stronger,
acting on them is equally ineffective,
and avoiding them is impossible.

I acknowledge that the things that appear to stir strong feelings of negativity in me are the things that I do not accept or want to acknowledge in myself.

I indulge in just as much useless conversation (especially internally)
I am just as unable to control my mind
I have had the urge to destroy and kill (and have done so on occasion)
I have believed the story of me that I have been told and that I tell myself

Nothing new
Conflicting desires wage war in my mind
the desire to just be vs the desire to manifest and do
desire for subtle states of abstinence vs desire for gross states of indulgence
desire to renounce vs desire to acquire
desires associated with wisdom vs desires associated with love
desire for mystical and exalted states vs desire for practical and earthly states
desire to express beauty vs desire to accept ugliness
desire to shield others from pain and suffering vs the desire to share truth and wisdom
desire to sustain vs the desire to dissolve and create
desire to be strong and master pain vs desire to be vulnerable and experience pleasure

I am thankful for the opportunity to practice.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to wisdom and insight.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the teachings and for whatever ability that allows me to live them.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the power of endurance which allows me to experience the discomfort associated with love, wisdom, and Truth.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to forgiveness-compassion-mercy, for it is what truly sustains me and all of creation.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the ability to have experiences that I do not like, and for participating in a way of life that accepts other beings that live, love, perceive, and experience differently than I.

It happened again;

I find myself in a situation with a woman
who scares me
and whom people tell me is crazy and sick

And I notice my urge to run away from her
and I feel the discomfort and anxiety and fear in my body
and I am unable to sense her breath,
and have difficulty in staying aware of my breath,
as the intensity of her mental pain and confusion is practically all-consuming

And even as I feel her pain,
I feel separate from her,
and want to feel separate from her
because I feel her intense desire
and the ignorance that we all share but want to avoid,
and the pain associated with wanting the body to be other than what it is
or perhaps even able to be.

Sometimes enduring the discomfort of being near the undesired and unwanted
and feeling the unfulfilled desire to run away
but not acting on it
is painful, and sometimes pleasurable.

Sometimes I am able to stand firm to my commitment of not avoiding the unpleasant,
and there is sometimes pain before, during and/or after and sometimes not;
and pleasure before, during and/or after and sometimes not;
sometimes disappointment, sadness, and anger before, during and/or after and sometimes not.

And I feel extreme anxiety and sadness
after performing the actions which are supposed to help her achieve what she is looking for
and realizing that she is not content or happy with the outcome
and that I do not have anything else that I can do
which will help her to achieve what she is looking for

And I feel an overwhelming sense of failure
and an acute and subtle psychic pain
that I do not have a name for but have experienced before in similar situations;
it perhaps is a certain type of insanity that exists with respect to people and how they feel about their physical appearance

And I realize that there is no action that I can perform that will help

And that I may or may not agree with her assessment
or other people’s assessment
of the outcome of what I have done

And all I know is that I do NOT know if she is crazy or not,
nor can I know why her state has come about
nor why my state has come about

All I can do is be with it,
not holding on to it,
nor pushing it away
and cry about it afterwards,
when I experience the ripples that it causes in my heart and mind,
causing me to feel intimately the futility of every action, every thought, every single thing in manifestation
and my inability to express a love that is beyond self concern and the limits of Tom

It happened again;

I find myself in an embrace with a naked man
who I am physically attracted to
and I feel the pleasure of his skin on mine,
and I feel the pleasure of the energy moving within my body
and the energy moving in his body,
the energy between us,
the breath, our breath,
his erection, my erection,
the desire to explore his body and my body in various ways
and I find a delicate and fragile contentment in desiring more of the experience
as I know that it comes and goes
just as everything else does

Sometimes enduring the discomfort of being near the beloved
and feeling the unfulfilled desire to touch and experience him
but not acting on it
is pleasurable
and sometimes painful.

Sometimes I do act on the urge,
and there is sometimes pleasure and pain
before, during and/or after,
and sometimes not;
sometimes disappointment and anger
before, during and/or after,
and sometimes not.

Sometimes I actively search for the experience
and allow the desire to turn into a painful experience of craving.

And at the moment, I remember that this desire  —
to be near and experience “naked Om”,
illumination,
prana that flows easily and unobstructed
and honestly and courageously,
vulnerable and unprotected
in the midst of desire and fear,
love, life, death, pleasure and pain —
brought me to the body Tom
and continues to reinforce my attachment to it
and the experience of being separate
and that this desire that causes Tom
is just another form of the desire for Om.

I cannot honestly say that my desire to experience it again will not influence my decisions,
even though I know that there is nothing that I can do to make it happen
as it is absolutely spontaneous.
Tom is, however, physically attracted to certain bodies and experiences more than others,
just as every body in manifestation is composed of certain habits, attractions and repulsions.

And I see how this desire is associated with being separate,
experiencing separateness,
and how it prevents the experience of Truth.
I owe all of creation an apology
as I feel that I have not helped them to know who they truly are,
as I have forgotten who I truly am.

And I continue to use the senses to look at various objects and experiences,
learning about other people’s experiences
through reading spiritual books,
watching movies, watching porn
and looking at pictures of naked men and women
and beauty and various objects of desire
sacred and profane

And it seems to fuel enough desire to generate at least 100,
or maybe 1000
or maybe 1 million
or perhaps an infinite number
of more lives
in order to achieve a physical body or experience
other than the one I have seemingly been given,
one that is stronger, more physically fit,
more adaptable, more expressive,
more sensual, more courageous,
more sacrificing, more pious,
more self-sufficient,
more masculine, more feminine,
or whatever;
One in which I will finally give or receive the experience,
the achievement, the fruit
that will truly and lastingly satisfy me
and alleviate desire
which manifests in so many ways
including the primal urges for sex, food, sleep, and self-preservation
as well as the divine urges for love, creativity, and liberation

And yet I know that no physical experience (gross or subtle) can do this,
as all experience is temporary

What I truly desire is behind the senses, the breath, the mind

So I play with the body, the senses, the breath, the mind
Sometimes gently,
sometimes carefully, sometimes recklessly,
sometimes lovingly, sometimes hatefully,
sometimes with awareness, sometimes in ignorance,
sometimes selflessly, sometimes selfishly and lustfully
in hopes that I will one day stumble upon what I truly am looking for,
and also because in a way I really don’t have any other choice.

The choice I make now is to devote time and attention and awareness
to developing inner strength and self-discipline
and an intimate and true earnestness
that allows me to experience
the desire that cannot be fulfilled in the world
and the fear that cannot be alleviated in the world.

Over and over and over and over
I attempt to break the deeply rooted habit of the mind to plot and scheme
in order to experience pleasure and avoid pain,
and to bring the mind back to a focus inside,
a more subtle state,
back to OM, prana, sushumna,
the supreme most basic desire.
Sometimes I succeed and sometimes not.

I surrender to the eternal and spontaneous and unpredictable nature of this task.

I persist in it forever, if need be.

I have nothing.  I know nothing. I am nothing in particular, yet I am.