Category: Uncategorized

Here I am to tell myself
that the promises that we make to each other
and that our system makes to us all
are only as reliable as we ourselves are.
We all share the debt and burden that we have created,
which increases and decreases
and is merely a reflection of the bondage that we create
and the burden that we cause to each other and to the planet.
We think we are so slick in reversing the natural order of things;
we eat the fruits before they have ripened,
often even before they are earned.
We manipulate nature and people and other beings, our minds and our bodies in gross and subtle ways in an attempt to avoid the pain and discomfort of consciousness, and usually end up creating more attachment and bondage, and thus more pain and delusion.

I deceive myself
by believing that I will one day have an experience of pleasure or pain
or acquire a possession or skill
or create something
or destroy something
or even do something for someone else
that will finally truly satisfy me and break all of the chains that bind me and bring about an everlasting state of personal bliss.

The story we tell ourselves is ultimately false;
the labels and names we call ourselves and other people,
no matter how strongly we believe them
are ultimately false,
no matter how long we have gone along with them,
no matter how strongly we cling to them,
no matter how many experts agree with them,
no matter how deeply they are rooted in our individual or collective psyche.

The blame-game that occupies so much of our time and attention is an unavoidable consequence of mind and will be played until it is seen as pointless;
the profit is false
the loss is false
the reward is false
the punishment is false.

My only true reward is faith,
which is not a reward in the conventional way,
but rather a commitment to sacrifice, compassion, endurance, and forgiveness
and a striving for the unattainable
that I live everyday,
sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully,
sometimes in the light, sometimes in darkness.

And so,
my offering is the sum total of the fruits of my actions,
which I have learned to  sometimes hold,
sometimes give,
sometimes release,
sometimes consume,
ultimately, I offer it to the fire of illumination
ultimately, I offer it to the great black hole of ignorance
without an expectation of reward or return
knowing that even perfectly doing so
will not yield what I truly desire.

I am thankful for knowing that I will never truly achieve this,
but I am thankful for the opportunity to try.

I am thankful for knowing that it is impossible for “me” to be truly free of selfish motives, desires and fears, and I am thankful for staying committed to the endeavor of trying to acheive true freedom, silence, OM, turiya, love.

I am thankful for knowing that life is really only an attempt to share love
and help each other to experience freedom from attachment.

I ask forgiveness for enabling people around me
for allowing them to live in delusion
for not truly helping them
for not helping them to be free of the need of help
for not being able to share simple pleasures,
the kind that do not cause pain and suffering to other people and other beings or the planet.

I am thankful for knowing the illusion
that while it may appear (even to myself)
that I am doing things for other people
or for myself
that in reality I only offer these things to the great void, the fire;
nothing really belongs to me
but rather belongs to the great void, the fire,
the darkness and the light.

I am no longer fooled.

I do not expect anyone’s help
(no matter what their relationship is with me)
the only true help comes from Om
and ultimately people will only act according to their nature
sometimes my presence may affect their nature
sometimes not

I do not expect my actions to erase the debt that I feel
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel it
and many years (and lifetimes) of activity has failed to erase it

I do not expect my actions to make me feel worthy

At this point, my honest assessment is that I have at least given up some ownership
ownership of actions
ownership of possessions
ownership of “needs”
ownership of relationships
ownership of roles and personas

I still desire
Om
liberation
Truth
I always have
and always will.
This desire often causes me to feel sadness and/or anger
when it clashes with commitments that I have made or have been given
commitments to materialism
commitments to maintain the way of life that we have inherited
living the eternal marriage-battle
of matter vs. spirit
the false and the true.

To Darkness:

I apologize for not loving you more.

Your presence hurts

You cause me to look at the world and myself in a discouraging and somewhat unhealthy way.

Your presence makes me feel like lashing out at people around me,
destroying things and relationships

Your presence makes me feel hopeless,
erodes my faith,
and makes me feel ungrateful.

You cause me to look at this experience of life as a never-ending to-do list of chores and obligations.

You cause me to want to abandon the long-term relationships in my life.

You cause me to question my sanity.

I must admit that when I am experiencing you,
I feel like a liar;
the happiness and peace that I express is only a mask during this time.
The only thing that keeps me going is Om
and “fake it till you make it”
and the knowledge that ultimately, I am the one who pays the price;
the burden that I cause to others will only come back to me at some point;
the violence that I do to others will come back to me at some point.
Sometimes Ahimsa means accepting pain;
sometimes love means accepting pain for others,
sometimes for myself,
sometimes for no apparent reason at all.

I know that you are a necessary experience
that opens me to Truth,
helping me to see things and experiences without delusion.

You help me to stay aware
that things are rarely as they are experienced by the senses
and that the senses are an unreliable source of happiness and are ultimately a distraction from Truth.

I am thankful for knowing the burden and for whatever access I have to the ability to carry it.

The ultimate frustration
or perhaps the ultimate joke
that I will one day see as the ultimate gift —
What we truly seek is nowhere to be found in the manifest,
but still being bound to the never ending duty of
creating
destroying
preserving
the manifest

Eventually, we all come face to face with some form of truth,
which for me
is usually some reconciliation
between what is desired and what is manifest.
I have devoted a considerable amount of time and effort
to exploring the never ending desire to master the gross and subtle bodies (physical, energetic, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual),
and I am faced with the truth that what actually happens
is a never ending cycle of succeeding and failing
over and over and over;
the successes that I achieve are only temporary
and ultimately disappointing or unsatisfying in some way.

Sometimes  it is sad, happy, beautiful, ugly, light, dark, sometimes emotionally charged, sometimes not.

Truth seems to exist simultaneously within and beyond and containing the emotions and thoughts that obscure and distort our experience of it.

Even the encouraging positive words and teachings that have helped me move through life (and many lives)
at some point
become annoying
as the emptiness of everything (especially words)
is seen
and I realize how
even my good actions
are not truly good at all
nor are my bad actions
truly bad at all.

Even the encouraging, positive, and healing experiences
with other people
or in solitude
at some point
become annoying
as the emptiness of everything is seen
and I realize how
even the positive experiences
are not truly positive at all
nor are the negative experiences
truly negative at all.

It seems that nothing manifest is completely pure upon close examination.

And so
here I stand
no longer able to avoid my own hypocrisy;
only able to move beyond it by humbly embracing it
and accepting it as unavoidable;
truly letting go of my need to be rewarded for the sacrifices that I have made (regardless of their tamasic, rajasic, or sattvic nature, or the selfish or unselfish intentions behind them);
admitting that I cannot truly love anyone or anything as long as I see myself as separate;
and realizing the futility of
expecting desire to be permanently alleviated by what is impermanent,
looking for happiness where it can never be truly found,
and expecting the false to take me to Truth.

I surrender to my practice
which at its essence
is continually desiring
that which neither the world
nor heaven
nor hell can offer,
while performing actions,
fully aware that they will not yield the fruit that I truly desire,
making efforts to maintain that which in reality
does not truly exist,
forever in the process
of renouncing pleasures
minimizing desires
walking the path
falling down and getting up
over and over and over.

An insane mixture of anger and sadness dances in my psyche;
it wants to break the chains that bind
even at the cost of order
even at the cost of safety
even at the cost of “love”

Lately, the desire is often in my awareness
and now, I must admit that no gross or subtle thing or experience of creation or destruction or preservation will satisfy this desire.

The subtle psychic pain that I experience in my day to day contact with others as well as during my time alone sometimes feels unbearable.
I long for a break from it.
The only true break from it comes spontaneously and is beyond my control.
My practice of yoga and experiments with “T” are my attempts at making conditions favorable for it.

I am thankful for the ability to endure the eternal discomfort called consciousness.

I am thankful for knowing the darkness inside and for whatever ability I have to meet it and experience it with compassion even when it causes me to act in ugly ways and indulge in dark habits.

I am thankful for remembering that I do not really know what is best
for me
or for anyone
or “the world”.

I am thankful for remembering that my point of view is merely one of an infinite (and ultimately meaningless) number.

I am thankful for whatever access I have to
wisdom and insight
forgiveness and compassion
breath and movement.

And so the longing for Om/Truth continues, as do the karma and bondage, tears and anger

The cycle of abuse that I live continues;  close examination and persistent effort require that I admit that I  cannot truly stop my participation for any lasting time.

The endless cycle of hope and disappointment which is the inevitable fruit of goal-oriented life and looking to sensory experience for happiness

The endless pursuit of true renunciation and control of the senses, succeeding and failing over and over and over

The endless stream of lies that the mind tells me, pointing out other people’s flaws and imperfections, oblivious to my own, blaming others for the pain and suffering that is just as much mine as theirs

Searching for self discipline that is not charged with selfishness

Searching for the “no” that is not defined in terms of deprivation and resistance, nor tainted by desire to avoid pain or experience pleasure

The “no” that resides beyond the opposites of pain and pleasure, profit and loss, success and failure

The “no” that seems to be available only after all possibilities are exhausted

The “no” that seems to be more and more elusive in the current time-space, even to those who are very wise and compassionate.

And so it continues, the longing for universal and true love.

Searching for the “yes” that is motivated by true compassion, unincumbered by personal desires, passion and ignorance

Striving for perfect, sattvic sacrifice untainted by hidden motives of profit and self-interest.

Striving to express and experience love that is beyond small and petty self-concern.

Striving to embody the appropriate balance of love and wisdom, abstinence and indulgence.

Striving for complete and true ahimsa, which seems to be very difficult, if not impossible to achieve in the current time-space.

I surrender to eternity when I accept that the journey is the goal; it is an ongoing endeavor of finding the appropriate balance
of action and inaction,
effort and surrender,
freedom and bondage,
contemplation and activity,
giving and receiving,
holding and releasing,
happiness and sadness,
consciousness and unconsciousness,
enlightenment and ignorance,
clarity and confusion,
war and peace,
sacred and profane,
exalted and mundane,
creation and destruction,
preservation and transformation

It is unavoidable and eternal, accepting the false while desiring the true.

I am nothing

I am everything

And life flows on and on.

 

spreadsheet of t-stands

Here we go again
the anger never really goes away
the sadness never really goes away
the emotions that I don’t like
that I still desire to get rid of on some level
the pain never really goes away
and the pain seems to be existence itself as the mind/body perceives it

An infinite number of times I am shown truth (as I experience it);
I cannot depend on external circumstance to be how I want it to be
not money, not other people, not my environment, not the body, not the mind, not the weather, not the news, not the senses, not the breath, not even voluntary or involuntary bodily functions;
all are ever changing incessantly, and do not bring peace
my mind just won’t learn, and is ultimately not designed to be truly happy

And so, I know that I will need to practice forever, as I know that I must direct these energies constructively or else they will cause pain and suffering to myself and others

As I realize that all of the things that disturb and destroy and bother me are in truth a reflection of the inner reality; they are me, regardless of how foreign or alien they may seem to appear.  Only love that transcends the differences will truly heal.  The advice that I want to offer I can only take and embody, sometimes succeeding and sometimes failing‏.

Ultimately, the egoism that has created the mess is transcended, life flows with or without it, but more easily without it.

Is there a time/place for this darkness?
Can I love it and/or be it with compassion, without being consumed by it?