The ultimate frustration
or perhaps the ultimate joke
that I will one day see as the ultimate gift —
What we truly seek is nowhere to be found in the manifest,
but still being bound to the never ending duty of
creating
destroying
preserving
the manifest
Eventually, we all come face to face with some form of truth,
which for me
is usually some reconciliation
between what is desired and what is manifest.
I have devoted a considerable amount of time and effort
to exploring the never ending desire to master the gross and subtle bodies (physical, energetic, emotional, mental, and/or spiritual),
and I am faced with the truth that what actually happens
is a never ending cycle of succeeding and failing
over and over and over;
the successes that I achieve are only temporary
and ultimately disappointing or unsatisfying in some way.
Sometimes it is sad, happy, beautiful, ugly, light, dark, sometimes emotionally charged, sometimes not.
Truth seems to exist simultaneously within and beyond and containing the emotions and thoughts that obscure and distort our experience of it.
Even the encouraging positive words and teachings that have helped me move through life (and many lives)
at some point
become annoying
as the emptiness of everything (especially words)
is seen
and I realize how
even my good actions
are not truly good at all
nor are my bad actions
truly bad at all.
Even the encouraging, positive, and healing experiences
with other people
or in solitude
at some point
become annoying
as the emptiness of everything is seen
and I realize how
even the positive experiences
are not truly positive at all
nor are the negative experiences
truly negative at all.
It seems that nothing manifest is completely pure upon close examination.
And so
here I stand
no longer able to avoid my own hypocrisy;
only able to move beyond it by humbly embracing it
and accepting it as unavoidable;
truly letting go of my need to be rewarded for the sacrifices that I have made (regardless of their tamasic, rajasic, or sattvic nature, or the selfish or unselfish intentions behind them);
admitting that I cannot truly love anyone or anything as long as I see myself as separate;
and realizing the futility of
expecting desire to be permanently alleviated by what is impermanent,
looking for happiness where it can never be truly found,
and expecting the false to take me to Truth.
I surrender to my practice
which at its essence
is continually desiring
that which neither the world
nor heaven
nor hell can offer,
while performing actions,
fully aware that they will not yield the fruit that I truly desire,
making efforts to maintain that which in reality
does not truly exist,
forever in the process
of renouncing pleasures
minimizing desires
walking the path
falling down and getting up
over and over and over.