I feel guilty for having a day off, which is actually not a day off, as I always have obligations to honor. So called time off is fleeting and doesn’t really exist for me anymore.
As I am aware that everything has its opposite, I often come back to the fear that I will one day experience a tremendous amount of pain in order to balance the various pleasures that I have experienced. There is no way to guarantee that this won’t happen. I attempt and pray for compassionate endurance and the ability to discern and perform appropriate action and inaction for myself and others. I attempt to constantly remind myself that the mind’s view is limited and can never know anything for sure.
Is it a challenge to surrender and to let go? Yes, and it’s also a challenge to persist in action once you fully realize the futility of it. Surrender and effort each have their own set of pains and pleasures.
call me by a more appropriate name, the never ending road to nowhere.
Illusions: an ending, a beginning, the personal, achievement of unending satisfaction, progress towards paradise, doing only what one likes, being affected only by ones own actions, the results, an end state, separation, boundaries, categories of relationships, categories of experiences
The illusions have their purpose.
I try to know things on a deeper level, in addition to remembering and studying spiritual teachings intellectually through words. I am born and die at least a million times trying to live, explore, and experiment truth-love-compassion and Who am I.
The more complex a system is, the more likely it is to fail as it requires more effort and attention for its maintenance. Above all, attempt compassionate intent, faith, and balance.
The thought of being inadequate and needing to improve and change my personal habits and the circumstances around me always comes back to me. I know the futility of it, but still go on. Perhaps I got this from my upbringing, maybe from society, maybe from original sin. Does the origin really matter?
The desires are endless. The fears are endless. Being driven only by these is the path of delusion. I believe and tell myself that I no longer want to play that game, but I find that when it comes down to it, so far I am unable to give up my recurring emotional attachments and emotional habits. (And ALL of my requirements for so called “happiness” and so called identity.)
love is not emotional attachment.
At a certain point, I feel recurring guilt that I take time to explore and indulge body and contemplation. Then I work on the chores and duties.
I look around me and wonder how people seem to be so happy. I am sorry that I fail at it.
big life, small life, complex and simple each have their advantages and disadvantages
I feel like I need to divorce my emotional state from what I experience in the world and stop comparing myself to others. As I see it, this is contrary to the current dominant human experience and contrary to what usually happens in my personal experience.
The bondage is built all around us. It always has been and always will. How many layers of chains do we need, how many more traps of addiction?
My heart is broken, angry, sad, afraid, confused, sinning, kind, and cruel, and I can only persist in practice. Surrender, action, enduring the fruits of my actions, inaction, habits and decisions, other people’s actions and decisions, good and bad. Trying to find the truth in my heart. Lately, my mind is plagued by the notion that the party is over and I don’t understand why what appears to be cruel sometimes seems to win. And here is where faith in compassion is vital.
I have tried to keep my obligations to a minimum in hopes that I wouldn’t get stuck in a mess of bondage, and would be able to keep up with things, but what ended up happening is not that. I feel angry, weary, and overwhelmed by the to do list, which is often more paralyzing, confusing, and discouraging than helpful.
In a way, even my so called spiritual practice is bondage.
What proves love? What proves devotion?
Is there anyone left in the world who is not corrupted by luxury, power, fame, indulgence? anyone who sees things as they really are, instead of what they see or want to see on the internet? Since I know that I seem to be incapable of being totally free of delusion and selfishness, I have a hard time having faith.
Will I ever be free of looking at things though the lens of my own ego?
I feel the fear. Reading news content and looking at the internet often increases it, sometimes it just helps me avoid, procrastinate or feel powerless.
Why does it seem like everything is a sacrifice and everyone is looking for something from me? Am I making this shit up?
Spoiled brat that I am not always grateful for mental and physical capabilities that I have access to.
again I feel extreme hatred towards people and modern living. I feel resentment and anger because I believed that there would be an experience or situation that would finally make me happy and set me free once and for all.