I have made this situation and try to hold steady in the results both pleasant and unpleasant.
I notice that I am losing close personal relationships with people. I feel like it is inevitable. I have a habit of distancing myself from people physically and emotionally in many areas of my life. I feel like a failure in this aspect of life. So called closeness changes like everything else, and no relationship in manifestation lasts forever. After many years associated with this body, in some (or many?) respects, I still feel like I don’t know intimacy and deep friendship. Here, now, again and again the personal is illusion. I feel rather strong feelings of fear regarding this lately, challenged by vulnerability. I am looking for something from interactions with people that these things will never yield. I am also looking for something from solitude that it will never yield. Upon close examination, I see that I am looking for something from experience in general that it will never yield. Is it emotional fulfillment? Security? Safety? Satisfying experiences? The achievement of perfect tapas (self discipline and control)?
One of my biggest fears is not being able to do things to prove that I am worthy of food, shelter, pleasure , and affection.
I get angry at myself for not being more disciplined. At the same time I am aware how I sometimes discipline all of the fun out of life.
I will never be free of doing mundane things.
I tend to gravitate towards doing small things.
I have difficulty letting people do things for me.
what is more indicative of abundance attitude — indulging without discretion or not indulging because you know that you don’t need it? Which proves faith more?
what proves courage? What proves love? What proves existence? What proves faith? What proves devotion? what proves truth? Action or being? Pleasure or pain? Experiencing? Sensing? Living? Dying? Creating? Destroying? Preserving?
I prefer to act without an audience, yet I do still experience a desire to be free of the need for privacy (free of fear).
I do not have the attribute of being someone that people want to watch. I accept that my form is not photogenic. I tend not to be interesting.
I feel like money is taking over more and more of my life. A majority of my time with other people requires some type of financial transaction. I feel like my entire life is or will become this way. The meter is always running. Accounts are always being kept.
I feel like we are losing interaction with each other to screen time. We are willingly letting this happen. Allowing this to happen feels lazy but also feels inevitable.
it is impossible to only be affected by your own actions. The accounting is eventually of no use.
I have pretty much given up on looking to my primary relationships for pleasure. Actually, I have given up on all relationships for pleasure, and perhaps all forms of experience.
I do not expect help from other people or beings including my closest relationships.
I don’t understand why I am unable to maintain interest (desire) for physical connection in long-term relationship. Should I stop trying to figure it out or take some kind of drug which will bring it back?
It is interesting to notice that I had nothing to do with the decision to get turtle nor did I have any desire to have a turtle as a pet, but I am usually the one taking lead on her care.
I feel like I am turning into an impersonal entity where the only relationship that I have is with a system. The person playing the role of “other” changes constantly. This may go on for a time until I fully realize its falseness.
as I keep going deeper, it is inevitable that I feel that I am no longer a person capable of the same type of interpersonal and intimate relationship.
I tend to do things myself instead of delegating. To think that I will be able to stop this pattern without outside circumstances changing is delusional.
One of the main reasons I went into my profession is flexibility of schedule so that I could explore a variety of interests. It wasn’t a calling that I had, nor do I feel like it is a natural fit for me for a profession at this point. I did not consciously set out to be the primary source of income in the household, if anything, I would have preferred it to be a supplemental source of income.
At some point, egoism holds us back. Our way of life is centered around egoism to an extreme degree. I play along, sometimes to an extreme degree, sometimes not. I am thankful for being aware of it and also for being able to step back from it even though I know that the break is temporary, perhaps extremely small. Sometimes the falseness drives me to the brink of insane anger.
I declare myself “no longer a person”, because it is how I feel. And life goes on. And practice goes on. Personal, impersonal, private, public, spontaneous, predictable desires, fears, emotions happen and don’t happen. Truth, falsity, yes, no, maybe, things and nothingness all still happen. The body mind functions, but in a sense, I have already died.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to endurance. Endurance of my own foolishness. Endurance of delusion, pain, desire, hunger, thirst, emotions, lack of emotion. Endurance of the false.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to awareness beyond the false.
I am thankful for remembering that everything is temporary.
The beginning and the end are the illusions.
Everything taken to extreme becomes a problem. I confess to extremes of practice, nonattachment and non-interference and accept the consequences. I try various things in order to find the elusive and ever changing middle path. Experimenting with extremes is part of the journey.
Excessive moderation.
I’m not so good at providing challenge, encouraging growth and self discipline in others. (I tend to try to make comfort). What a fucking idiot.