I really have put myself in a big mess by deluding myself that it is possible to do it all on my own, or always keep the mind-body a certain way (self-disciplined, loving, faithful, truthful, peaceful, content, honest, responsible, loyal, mindful, productive, thankful, manifest, unmanifest, personal, impersonal, awake, conscious, unconscious, or whatever)
just living as an example of the teachings;
teaching only through example;
not sharing certain parts of my habit of practice;
and saying that it is ok.
I am afraid of being judged for the “dirty stuff” and my selfishness, my failure at letting go of greed, anger, and delusion. All too aware of my mind’s judgement of my inability to manifest a perfect home, gross and subtle bodies, a pleasant inner life, freedom from addictions, and healthy, reciprocal relationships that foster growth and freedom.
I see a frequent pattern that disturbs. When I become aware of things that don’t agree with my beliefs and ideas about how I think people, circumstances, things or myself are (or how I want them to be), I experience sadness and/or anger of varying intensity. I don’t like the experience and also feel ashamed that I feel those things. Sometimes I do things to avoid the experience like drugs, food, sex, entertainment. Sometimes I do things to try and manage the pain like various forms of yoga (Asana, pranayama, studying scriptures). Sometimes I make effort to repress; usually I just proceed through my duties while enduring the emotions.
I see my greed; I am greedy for the pleasure I find in just experiencing the beingness that happens when I stretch and breathe. I am angry and saddened by the trap that I have made and continue to make for myself. I take on duties and commitments, and the to-do list just grows.
Sacrifices are absolutely necessary in order to live life and participate in attempting love. Some will yield benefit, some won’t, but to expect them to lead to liberation or a final state of eternal pleasure or perfection is delusional. Expecting laziness to lead to liberation or a final state of eternal pleasure or perfection is also delusional. Being attached to the perfect balance of action and inaction and believing that I can always maintain that state is also delusional.
I am afraid of being vulnerable,
showing the darkness,
relying on other people, being soft, relying on systems, and yet it seems impossible for the body-person to exist without relying on some kind of system and/or other people, and regardless of how hard I try, I do create burden, bondage, and waste just like everyone else. I delude, lie, and cheat just like everyone else.
I am afraid of being powerless, vulnerable, impotent, lacking vitality and vigor, stripped of all abilities and talents (gross and subtle). I know full well that none of these things belong to me and that at some point I will experience their departure, as does every single being in existence. Contrary to a thought and desire that operates in my life consciously and subconsciously, I am not an exception.
I am afraid of people finding out that I find pleasure in sticking things up my ass and shitting.
I sometimes watch porn and masturbate in various ways during my practice time, often justifying it by considering it as part of my practice, but still feeling guilty about it.
I frequently hate the bed that I have made for myself; it often feels more like a trap than a bed.
I am afraid of showing people things that “no one really wants to see”,
things that even I don’t want to see or admit. An old, unattractive, flabby, misshapen body, a mind that judges, lies, and condemns incessantly and is never really content with anything or anyone (including, no, actually especially, “myself”)
Isn’t it part of the social rule:
don’t show or share the shit
the boring
the embarrassing
don’t show or share the unpleasant or the unattractive
don’t be a burden, add something useful that others need or want?
Why do I fail at maintaining an awareness of the spiritual and bliss in the mundane?
Who am I to say that “a” causes “b”, crediting and blaming things and people?
Just like others, I judge and dislike people (pretty much everyone at times) for the very same things that I deny in myself. There’s no avoiding it.
How can I judge ANYONE for things that I myself do? I know this, and yet somehow, the mind still judges, and I get disturbed and distracted by the emotions that result.
What I do on my own (that I think that other people don’t know) does make a difference; there is no cheating.
I admit it. I look for permanent emotional fulfillment “happiness” where it will never be found. It won’t be found in work, in relationships, in movement, in conversation, not in any type of experience. Not even in the things that I do or the austerities that I attempt which I call “the practice of yoga”. I make attempts at stillness and silence, and sometimes feel closer to it, but the stillness and silence don’t seem to really do it either, at least in any permanent way.
I consider myself a spiritual aspirant, and yet I have not completely let go of all ideas of personal achievement, haven’t really relinquished my attachment to the body/mind and habits called Thomas Collier. I attempt presence and “now” and love beyond person over and over and the mind always gets in the way. The mind and its likes and dislikes still influences my decisions to a very large degree. I still get deceived by the illusion of inner and outer, believing that the thoughts and emotions that I experience are intimate and personal (incorrectly believing that they hold the answer to the question at the core of human experience, “who am I?”)
I attempt freedom from the need for experience and the inevitable bondage that ensues. Who or what gives the permission for that type of freedom? The computer? Society? A person of authority? A teacher? A preacher? A master of yoga? A life coach? A person who has suffered and died for compassion? A spiritual group of people? A celebrity? A certain net worth? Reaching a point of exhausting all physical, energetic and mental resources? Enduring intense pain? Completing a bucket list of a wide variety of experiences and states of being? Abstaining from pleasure? Maintaining certain yoga practices or vows for a long time?
and doesn’t freedom from experience carry its own type of bondage?
I often get angry regarding my attempt at compassion. My experience is that it just gives me more crap to do and puts me deeper in debt. Someone or something pays the price, whether it’s me, someone else, society, or the planet. I confess that my attempts at compassion have often been merely trying to please people or help them avoid things that they don’t want to face or do themselves.