The fruits (the results) will not always please you, and this you must accept.
You will not always be pleased when you see an accurate, non-biased view of your gross and subtle bodies.
I confess that even though an extremely important thing for me is to keep my word (do what I say I am going to do) that I have not always been able; I will keep trying, but know that perfection in this respect isn’t really possible. Upon close examination, it’s not really desirable either; my pursuit of it and attachment to the pursuit causes inner turmoil for myself and then others around me.
The only goal is the path, the eternal road, and until you truly and completely accept this, you will suffer. Sometimes it requires effort, sometimes rest, sometimes pleasure sometimes pain, sometimes success sometimes failure.
Mind-ego is suffering itself. Serving it and following it leads to pain. The tricky thing is that you can be going along, believing that you are free of it, but my personal experience has been (and continues to be) that it is never actually completely true. All you can do is to attempt to take a break from it on a regular basis, and keep trying (perhaps forever).
Interesting that I have expended a considerable amount of time and effort attempting to “worship Om”, desiring Om, trying to be free of mind ego, but I must confess that much of what I was doing was actually worshipping the mind ego, and pursuing pleasure, attempting to avoid pain, often taking the easy way out by not truly helping people, and pursuing a final state of personal bliss (which is just another state of delusion).
And my cycle continues, the sacrifice in order to earn the permission to practice (to just be).
Much of the world (as I have known it) is based on a deeply rooted notion that we are not enough.
The deeply hidden subconscious urge to avoid pain and seek pleasure is practically impossible to eradicate.
I feel ashamed that I have not been better at helping people around me to be independent and free. My desire to bring comfort to others and help them avoid pain often makes people around me dependent.
Thomas Collier is probably at a point where he must give up his attachment to the goal of any type of success (material or so called spiritual) and he also may need to let go of his desire to have other people join him in his attempt at the freedom from goals. It would also serve him well to let go of his desire for any kind of acknowledgement from other people that maybe he was right about something (anything). And he also needs to let go of the need for his desires to be fulfilled quickly (or even at all). He no longer needs to delude himself by believing that he is the one who “gets things done” or gets things moving or fixes a problem, nor does he need to be acknowledged by others for these things. Nor does he need to be obeyed or respected or honored or told the truth by other people or treated specially.
I long to simply show things as they are and see things as they are.
I say I want to see and experience truth and nakedness, but I admit that always doing so is seemingly impossible, and it is a pain that is frequently and usually difficult to bear.
I plod along, often wearing a mask of happiness, love, and contentment, when inside I am often extremely angry and/or sad. I am tired of being a slave to mind-ego, materialism, goal achievement, pleasure, pain, planning, commitments, and habits.
I confess that I am not really free of the selfishness, the fear of pain, death, unknown, and the desire for pleasure and comfort.
I try to make the words that I read and write that I call scriptures and aspirations true by attempting to embody and live them.
I try to make the mantra that I practice true, which is a never-ending endeavor.
I can’t get beyond the idea that I need to endure pain to prove my love, devotion, or worthiness for the divine goal. I feel that contrary to some of what I have read, there is actually some truth to this. Ahimsa does sometimes mean taking the blow, taking the bullet. Love does sometimes mean voluntarily enduring the bondage, humiliation, and pain.
I confess that it bothers me that I lie to people on a regular basis; participating in the way of life that I have chosen and saying that I like it is a lie. Some lying is unavoidable. So I go along, enduring the sadness and anger of “modern life”; the sadness and anger that has always been a part of life. I am thankful that I have access to the endurance needed for staying awake, and for the times when I am able to succeed in maintaining awareness, yamas, and niyamas.
I have spent a fair amount of effort, time, and attention attempting to develop an impartial attitude and approach to life and relationships, but haven’t been completely and perfectly successful. It does not seem possible to achieve in the relative realm; it seems possible only to endeavor to persist in pursuing compassion and experimenting with the boundaries between self and others.
Trying to know Truth is like attempting to view your own eyes without a mirror (or any type of reflection).