Om
Somewhere in the space and silence between the thoughts and feelings of desire and fear that disturb and often torture me (and others), I AM ok.
And that is where I truly am, regardless of what gross or subtle experience (good, bad, or mixed) is happening, regardless of how it appears to myself or others. The space-silence is who, what, where, and when I truly am. That is where healing is, that is where love is. That is where I long to reside, not attached nor averse to the golden cage of illusion that seems to exist all around, the luxury and fake beauty that demands more and more of our time, effort, and attention for its maintenance.
And so,
I continue to strive for Nakedness
shameless
naked
simplicity
to accept the bitter as it is, without needing to change it
to accept the sweet as it is, without trying to hold on to it or repeat it
to accept the obstacles, the bondage and the golden cage as they are, without needing their destruction, transformation, or preservation
to accept space and silence as they are, even when they seem to be so polluted that they are difficult to find
to give equal weight to the abstinence and indulgence, accepting that both are necessary
to attempt true and universal love through sacrifice which does not require any return
What I truly desire can never be fully achieved in the manifest or unmanifest, only pursued with earnest effort and non-effort, endlessly desiring and attempting to sacrifice for true love,
desiring and attempting to live by the law of love,
which knows when to indulge and when to abstain
when to create and when to destroy
when to hold and when to let go
when to fight and when to surrender
“The world” (nature-civilization) does not owe me
happiness, pleasure, or safety;
owes me absolutely nothing,
regardless of what I have deluded myself into believing that I have sacrificed to it or endured for it.
So what.
I have endured pleasure and pain
they come and go
people, things, states of being come and go
and I appear (even to myself) to do and experience things,
but it’s not really true.
So what.
Talents
and virtues and vices
and things of beauty and ugliness
and healing and injury
love and hate
happiness and sadness
rational and irrational
fair and unfair
honest and dishonest
(innumerable varying degrees of opposites)
have happened around me
by me
and to me.
I have spent a considerable amount of time and effort trying to pursue and own the things that I like or am proud of and avoid and disown the things that I don’t like or am ashamed of.
But truly,
ownership is only something that the mind has made up.
I own absolutely none of it and
I own absolutely all of it..
Life happens, death happens, the illusion happens
blah blah blah
“The world” as I perceive it is merely a mistaken view of reality.
“I” as I perceive it is merely a mistaken view of reality.
I do not expect truth from “the world” or my mind
nor do I expect them to make sense
or change
or remain the same
or reward me or punish me in any particular way
at a certain point, causality and blame do not apply.
Consciousness is not true peace nor happiness;
Consciousness just happens
and in truth, there is absolutely nothing personal about it
creation
destruction
preservation
tamas
rajas
sattva
Om
I realize that all I am trying to do is make the words that I write true by living them and manifesting them through action and being.
I know (but sometimes forget) that I will never be able to fully achieve them;
and I confess that many of my past, present, and future actions are not in line with them
and I often struggle with (and try to avoid or deny) the shame, anger, sadness, and hypocrisy that seem to be an inevitable part of the experience
fortunately, I at least sometimes remember that all I can do is give an earnest and honest attempt,
striving for love beyond likes and dislikes,
trying to move beyond the pleasure-pain/desire-fear motivation,
having the human experience of balancing the primal urges and divine desires.
I don’t see any end to the cycle of births and deaths (goals, effort, manifestation, fruits, disillusionment) as I will always desire (and attempt) to do just one fucking true thing motivated purely by love.
When the false way that I experience and perceive things subsides, I must admit that others are doing the exact same thing, regardless of outward appearances of beauty or ugliness, pleasure or pain, virtue or vice, yogic or non-yogic practice, or tamasic, rajasic, or sattvic awareness. The limited perception of “me” (mind-ego) can never know the true motives behind an action (even its own), nor anyone or anything’s true influence or purpose. I am thankful for the mercy in the world that allows us all to attempt our paths regardless of how messy it gets or how it may appear to my limited personal perception.
I confess that I say that I want Truth and to perform a “true sacrifice” for love, but I still find myself wanting to run away and/or resorting to familiar modes of avoidance and denial when I am experiencing the gross and subtle pain of illusion. I often attribute the pain to living life with other people in the modern world, but it also happens when I am alone, and a more primitive or natural way of life would present its own set of challenges which would appear to cause some kind of pain or unhappiness and discontentment. For the person “me”, the pain seems to be inevitable experience of mind that manifests on various gross and subtle levels. My mind may always have a habit of judging other people, things, experiences and beings, desiring and liking some, fearing and disliking others based on the pleasure or pain that it associates with them. It may always hate itself for various failures of self discipline like overeating,various acts of gross and subtle violence, laziness and not being more content and more loving. It will probably also always be prone to experience bouts of strong feelings of anger and hatred which will distort its view of things and prevent clarity and sanity.
I frequently struggle with strong feelings of anger, usually regarding the bondage of work, home and social commitments. It seems that the anger is an indication of the fact that I still have attachment to and expectations of the world, other people, or myself based on sacrifices that I feel I have made or simply because what I see and experience is not what I personally like or deem appropriate or just. I may never really understand its purpose or its message. Part of me really just wants it to go away, but for Tom it seems to be an inevitable part of participating in the never ending birth-death cycle (hope, imagination, effort, fruits, disillusionment).
I often (usually) feel like a failure at love, to the point where I hesitate to even talk about it, because I feel like I don’t really know what it is. I don’t like to talk about love too much or even say “I love you” to people because I feel like a liar. I feel that I can only attempt to do things that show it, like endure some kind of pain and give some of the fruits of that pain away. What happens is that I consume some, share some and try to save some. Whatever I have done in ignorance accumulates and eventually explodes and causes some kind of pain or turmoil. I try sometimes to change the pattern, but self effort only goes so far. I don’t see that I will be able to change that pattern, and I don’t know if it’s my place to decide that.