Here I am to tell myself
that the promises that we make to each other
and that our system makes to us all
are only as reliable as we ourselves are.
We all share the debt and burden that we have created,
which increases and decreases
and is merely a reflection of the bondage that we create
and the burden that we cause to each other and to the planet.
We think we are so slick in reversing the natural order of things;
we eat the fruits before they have ripened,
often even before they are earned.
We manipulate nature and people and other beings, our minds and our bodies in gross and subtle ways in an attempt to avoid the pain and discomfort of consciousness, and usually end up creating more attachment and bondage, and thus more pain and delusion.
I deceive myself
by believing that I will one day have an experience of pleasure or pain
or acquire a possession or skill
or create something
or destroy something
or even do something for someone else
that will finally truly satisfy me and break all of the chains that bind me and bring about an everlasting state of personal bliss.
The story we tell ourselves is ultimately false;
the labels and names we call ourselves and other people,
no matter how strongly we believe them
are ultimately false,
no matter how long we have gone along with them,
no matter how strongly we cling to them,
no matter how many experts agree with them,
no matter how deeply they are rooted in our individual or collective psyche.
The blame-game that occupies so much of our time and attention is an unavoidable consequence of mind and will be played until it is seen as pointless;
the profit is false
the loss is false
the reward is false
the punishment is false.
My only true reward is faith,
which is not a reward in the conventional way,
but rather a commitment to sacrifice, compassion, endurance, and forgiveness
and a striving for the unattainable
that I live everyday,
sometimes successfully, sometimes unsuccessfully,
sometimes in the light, sometimes in darkness.
And so,
my offering is the sum total of the fruits of my actions,
which I have learned to sometimes hold,
sometimes give,
sometimes release,
sometimes consume,
ultimately, I offer it to the fire of illumination
ultimately, I offer it to the great black hole of ignorance
without an expectation of reward or return
knowing that even perfectly doing so
will not yield what I truly desire.
I am thankful for knowing that I will never truly achieve this,
but I am thankful for the opportunity to try.
I am thankful for knowing that it is impossible for “me” to be truly free of selfish motives, desires and fears, and I am thankful for staying committed to the endeavor of trying to acheive true freedom, silence, OM, turiya, love.
I am thankful for knowing that life is really only an attempt to share love
and help each other to experience freedom from attachment.
I ask forgiveness for enabling people around me
for allowing them to live in delusion
for not truly helping them
for not helping them to be free of the need of help
for not being able to share simple pleasures,
the kind that do not cause pain and suffering to other people and other beings or the planet.
I am thankful for knowing the illusion
that while it may appear (even to myself)
that I am doing things for other people
or for myself
that in reality I only offer these things to the great void, the fire;
nothing really belongs to me
but rather belongs to the great void, the fire,
the darkness and the light.