I am no longer fooled.
I do not expect anyone’s help
(no matter what their relationship is with me)
the only true help comes from Om
and ultimately people will only act according to their nature
sometimes my presence may affect their nature
sometimes not
I do not expect my actions to erase the debt that I feel
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel it
and many years (and lifetimes) of activity has failed to erase it
I do not expect my actions to make me feel worthy
At this point, my honest assessment is that I have at least given up some ownership
ownership of actions
ownership of possessions
ownership of “needs”
ownership of relationships
ownership of roles and personas
I still desire
Om
liberation
Truth
I always have
and always will.
This desire often causes me to feel sadness and/or anger
when it clashes with commitments that I have made or have been given
commitments to materialism
commitments to maintain the way of life that we have inherited
living the eternal marriage-battle
of matter vs. spirit
the false and the true.