To Darkness:
I apologize for not loving you more.
Your presence hurts
You cause me to look at the world and myself in a discouraging and somewhat unhealthy way.
Your presence makes me feel like lashing out at people around me,
destroying things and relationships
Your presence makes me feel hopeless,
erodes my faith,
and makes me feel ungrateful.
You cause me to look at this experience of life as a never-ending to-do list of chores and obligations.
You cause me to want to abandon the long-term relationships in my life.
You cause me to question my sanity.
I must admit that when I am experiencing you,
I feel like a liar;
the happiness and peace that I express is only a mask during this time.
The only thing that keeps me going is Om
and “fake it till you make it”
and the knowledge that ultimately, I am the one who pays the price;
the burden that I cause to others will only come back to me at some point;
the violence that I do to others will come back to me at some point.
Sometimes Ahimsa means accepting pain;
sometimes love means accepting pain for others,
sometimes for myself,
sometimes for no apparent reason at all.
I know that you are a necessary experience
that opens me to Truth,
helping me to see things and experiences without delusion.
You help me to stay aware
that things are rarely as they are experienced by the senses
and that the senses are an unreliable source of happiness and are ultimately a distraction from Truth.
I am thankful for knowing the burden and for whatever access I have to the ability to carry it.