An insane mixture of anger and sadness dances in my psyche;
it wants to break the chains that bind
even at the cost of order
even at the cost of safety
even at the cost of “love”
Lately, the desire is often in my awareness
and now, I must admit that no gross or subtle thing or experience of creation or destruction or preservation will satisfy this desire.
The subtle psychic pain that I experience in my day to day contact with others as well as during my time alone sometimes feels unbearable.
I long for a break from it.
The only true break from it comes spontaneously and is beyond my control.
My practice of yoga and experiments with “T” are my attempts at making conditions favorable for it.
I am thankful for the ability to endure the eternal discomfort called consciousness.
I am thankful for knowing the darkness inside and for whatever ability I have to meet it and experience it with compassion even when it causes me to act in ugly ways and indulge in dark habits.
I am thankful for remembering that I do not really know what is best
for me
or for anyone
or “the world”.
I am thankful for remembering that my point of view is merely one of an infinite (and ultimately meaningless) number.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to
wisdom and insight
forgiveness and compassion
breath and movement.