I do indulge in rajas, stress, and strain, even in my yoga practice. I don’t think I will ever get beyond the need to test my limits, push boundries, and feel like I am striving, which sometimes leads to anger and pain.
I do indulge in tamas, regularly, when I indulge in entertainment (including TV, movies and porn) to escape the pain and boredom of day to day life, when I find comfort in eating, when I eat for emotional reasons, when I relax and let the urges express in ways that are perhaps less than healthy.
I fantasize and think about things other than what my body is doing, even when I practice yoga, sometimes especially when i practice yoga…
I do daydream and have visions of things to do or create, sometimes I pursue manifesting them, but often lately, I do not, as I see the futility of it all and opt instead to perform maintenance duties or sometimes just do nothing.
I feel like the person that most people probably think that I am (the person that I let them see, the happy/nice/peaceful one) is often a fraud. Will the pain that I hide ever subside? Probably not in the realm of the material world. I am thankful for whatever access I have to the relief of pretense and the times when I get a break from karma and the things that bind me. I am also thankful for the times when I am the happy/peaceful/nice one, even if it only lasts for a short time and requires an insane amount of practice and preparation.
I am thankful for whatever ability I have to bear pain and not inflict it on others. I am thankful for being able to provide things to people around me which allow them to experience pleasure and happiness, even when it causes me discomfort.
I am still fascinated with bodies and am still attracted to masculine bodies and beauty and I am sometimes hypnotized by their presence and in some way I wish being around these things would make me more masculine and physically beautiful. (I desire to be that.)
I do get angry at my body and desire to be more masculine, leaner, or sexier
I sometimes miss the way I used to get erections very easily. (yet I do see the freedom associated with not being distracted by an overly strong sexual urge)
I sometimes miss the firmness of my body yet I do sometimes find delight in a less rigid more flexible form.
I admire artists and actors for their courage in sharing things with others that I am usually unable to share in front of a group of people — expression of emotion, movement (scripted or unscripted).
I admire the ability to be at the center of a lot of karma and handle the pressure with grace.
Sometimes I am moved to tears when I see or experience or gain knowledge of a being or action or creation of gross and/or subtle beauty. I sometimes experience these things in ways that cause me to feel humble, somewhat unworthy, desirous of becoming it or achieving it, and blessed to have been able to experience it. To be completely honest, sometimes I can find inspiration and allow myself to be motivated, but sometimes it causes me to feel discouraged as I feel that some of these things are beyond my capability and I see the futility of striving to achieve yet another material or so-called spiritual reward that is ultimately unsatisfying and useless in the pursuit of Truth.
I spend quite a bit of time on my own experimenting with body and breath and performing hatha yoga practices. I often experience gross and subtle pleasure in these things, and my daily practice feels like the most important thing that I do. Some of my practice is what you might call traditional, some of it is experimental and unconventional. I am most thankful for having time, space and resources with which to practice and for living around people who respect each other and the practices and duties that they perform. I am thankful for whatever access I have to forgiveness when I disrespect or for when I feel disrespected.