To be honest,
I keep coming back to it,
no matter how lost I seem to get in the web of action, duty and commitments that I have made for myself.
What I truly desire
is not more experience,
not more things,
not more accomplishments,
but rather OM,
even as I do things that cause more experience, things, and results,
even as the mind experiences restlessness which sometimes obscures this most basic desire at the root of all others.
I am thankful and not thankful for the things that have come my way;
I am aware that participating on the material plane is unavoidable,
yet I am so very aware of the price that comes
with being involved in materialism, sacrifice/reward, goal-oriented life that seems to pervade the majority of human experience at the moment.
My heart is weary when I see the never ending cycle,
action leads to more action,
effort leads to more effort,
what is built up and acquired must be maintained and protected against decay and loss.
Of course I experience anger —
when I am tired of the lies
the lie that things, experience, action and/or knowledge will bring me to Truth;
tired of the way of life that requires that I spend much time and effort in accounting and record keeping in order to prove that I am worthy of food and shelter and other things and experiences, participating in a never-ending quest to find the cause of the burden that in reality we are all responsible for;
the lies at the root of it all that I can’t seem to get beyond- –
I am Thomas Kirkbride Collier
I was born on July 31, 1967,
I perform good actions and reap the reward,
I perform bad actions and endure the suffering,
I will die at some point as yet to be revealed.
When will I realize and live the truth completely?
I am not a person born into and living in the world
In truth, I am not a yogi, hair colorist, husband, son, man, or even human nor are the people around me what they appear to be or think they are.
The manifest is not good or bad;
actions are not good or bad;
results are not good or bad;
the lies are not good or bad;
evil is not good or bad.
It is all me and is exactly how it needs to be;
not good or bad, regardless of what my mind or anyone’s mind says or experiences.
Of course I feel disappointed and angry at myself,
as I am unable to stop doing the things that seem to prevent me from experiencing what I truly desire.
Of course I feel unworthy,
as I sometimes experience a feeling of love that no action or words will ever adequately express
as I feel intimately the tremendous sacrifices that other beings have and will make then and now and forever
as I am overcome by the beauty of love, wisdom, and courage that others seem to embody and share and express so well.
Of course I am disappointed by the manifest,
for it cannot give what I truly seek.
And this is exactly how it needs to be.