Strong Storms
Experiences of deep sadness and intense anger continue
and cause me to question my sanity and maturity
I search for the cause
Is it the actions that I perform?
Is it some action that I fail to perform?
Is the the habit patterns that I indulge?
my job?
my environment?
the people that I associate with?
the way of life that I have chosen?
the food I eat?
the things that I watch or read?
Is it the lack of a drug that I have yet to find?
Is it some defect of personality that I have acquired or inherited?
Dark thoughts and feelings
I want to avoid them and make them go away
I look for someone or something to blame in hopes that if I can avoid or alleviate those things or people I will be free of the thoughts and feelings
But I keep on coming back to my experience that resisting these thoughts and feelings only seems to bring them back stronger,
acting on them is equally ineffective,
and avoiding them is impossible.
I acknowledge that the things that appear to stir strong feelings of negativity in me are the things that I do not accept or want to acknowledge in myself.
I indulge in just as much useless conversation (especially internally)
I am just as unable to control my mind
I have had the urge to destroy and kill (and have done so on occasion)
I have believed the story of me that I have been told and that I tell myself
Nothing new
Conflicting desires wage war in my mind
the desire to just be vs the desire to manifest and do
desire for subtle states of abstinence vs desire for gross states of indulgence
desire to renounce vs desire to acquire
desires associated with wisdom vs desires associated with love
desire for mystical and exalted states vs desire for practical and earthly states
desire to express beauty vs desire to accept ugliness
desire to shield others from pain and suffering vs the desire to share truth and wisdom
desire to sustain vs the desire to dissolve and create
desire to be strong and master pain vs desire to be vulnerable and experience pleasure
I am thankful for the opportunity to practice.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to wisdom and insight.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the teachings and for whatever ability that allows me to live them.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the power of endurance which allows me to experience the discomfort associated with love, wisdom, and Truth.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to forgiveness-compassion-mercy, for it is what truly sustains me and all of creation.
I am thankful for whatever access I have to the ability to have experiences that I do not like, and for participating in a way of life that accepts other beings that live, love, perceive, and experience differently than I.