It happened again;
I find myself in an embrace with a naked man
who I am physically attracted to
and I feel the pleasure of his skin on mine,
and I feel the pleasure of the energy moving within my body
and the energy moving in his body,
the energy between us,
the breath, our breath,
his erection, my erection,
the desire to explore his body and my body in various ways
and I find a delicate and fragile contentment in desiring more of the experience
as I know that it comes and goes
just as everything else does
Sometimes enduring the discomfort of being near the beloved
and feeling the unfulfilled desire to touch and experience him
but not acting on it
is pleasurable
and sometimes painful.
Sometimes I do act on the urge,
and there is sometimes pleasure and pain
before, during and/or after,
and sometimes not;
sometimes disappointment and anger
before, during and/or after,
and sometimes not.
Sometimes I actively search for the experience
and allow the desire to turn into a painful experience of craving.
And at the moment, I remember that this desire —
to be near and experience “naked Om”,
illumination,
prana that flows easily and unobstructed
and honestly and courageously,
vulnerable and unprotected
in the midst of desire and fear,
love, life, death, pleasure and pain —
brought me to the body Tom
and continues to reinforce my attachment to it
and the experience of being separate
and that this desire that causes Tom
is just another form of the desire for Om.
I cannot honestly say that my desire to experience it again will not influence my decisions,
even though I know that there is nothing that I can do to make it happen
as it is absolutely spontaneous.
Tom is, however, physically attracted to certain bodies and experiences more than others,
just as every body in manifestation is composed of certain habits, attractions and repulsions.
And I see how this desire is associated with being separate,
experiencing separateness,
and how it prevents the experience of Truth.
I owe all of creation an apology
as I feel that I have not helped them to know who they truly are,
as I have forgotten who I truly am.
And I continue to use the senses to look at various objects and experiences,
learning about other people’s experiences
through reading spiritual books,
watching movies, watching porn
and looking at pictures of naked men and women
and beauty and various objects of desire
sacred and profane
And it seems to fuel enough desire to generate at least 100,
or maybe 1000
or maybe 1 million
or perhaps an infinite number
of more lives
in order to achieve a physical body or experience
other than the one I have seemingly been given,
one that is stronger, more physically fit,
more adaptable, more expressive,
more sensual, more courageous,
more sacrificing, more pious,
more self-sufficient,
more masculine, more feminine,
or whatever;
One in which I will finally give or receive the experience,
the achievement, the fruit
that will truly and lastingly satisfy me
and alleviate desire
which manifests in so many ways
including the primal urges for sex, food, sleep, and self-preservation
as well as the divine urges for love, creativity, and liberation
And yet I know that no physical experience (gross or subtle) can do this,
as all experience is temporary
What I truly desire is behind the senses, the breath, the mind
So I play with the body, the senses, the breath, the mind
Sometimes gently,
sometimes carefully, sometimes recklessly,
sometimes lovingly, sometimes hatefully,
sometimes with awareness, sometimes in ignorance,
sometimes selflessly, sometimes selfishly and lustfully
in hopes that I will one day stumble upon what I truly am looking for,
and also because in a way I really don’t have any other choice.
The choice I make now is to devote time and attention and awareness
to developing inner strength and self-discipline
and an intimate and true earnestness
that allows me to experience
the desire that cannot be fulfilled in the world
and the fear that cannot be alleviated in the world.
Over and over and over and over
I attempt to break the deeply rooted habit of the mind to plot and scheme
in order to experience pleasure and avoid pain,
and to bring the mind back to a focus inside,
a more subtle state,
back to OM, prana, sushumna,
the supreme most basic desire.
Sometimes I succeed and sometimes not.
I surrender to the eternal and spontaneous and unpredictable nature of this task.
I persist in it forever, if need be.
I have nothing. I know nothing. I am nothing in particular, yet I am.